perfectionism//the ugly truth

I used to try to "glamourize" my perfectionist tendencies. For example in an interview, a common Erika response, "I think one of my weaknesses is my perfectionism. I expect my work to be perfect and won't rest until it is done. This causes me to stress, and I need to learn to balance my work and life better." Granted, I said it was a weakness but that is the oldest trick in the interviewing book. Pick a weakness that can ALSO be seen as a strength. However, I'm learning that perfectionism is a weakness and no matter how you spin it-its UGLY...

My name is Erika, and I'm a perfectionist. I say this with gest, but it is a serious issue. Ever since I can remember, I've struggled with perfectionism. As early as Jr High School, I've accepted nothing less than an 'A'. You would have thought tragedy struck my household, when I received my first 'B'. And yes you guessed it, after once, it NEVER happened again. This attitude has filtered over into my career. I accept NOTHING less than perfection for each and every assignment I'm given at work. I will stay late, lose sleep, and worry until the task is done flawlessly. And when I do make a mistake its a day spoiler. This has definitely put a lot of anxiety and stress into my life, but I've always been able to justify the behaviour and ignore any negative ramifications because, I felt, the positive results, outweighed any anxiety or stress. Until recently. Recently, my eyes have been opened to the way perfectionism in my life effects my relationships with those I love, outlook on people, and most of all my view of grace...

Due to a project I work, I was temporarily relocated to Maui for 7 weeks. Rough, huh?! As wonderful as Maui was, I missed my hubby dearly. I missed him so much I literally ached...I won't go into how much I missed him...I'll save you from wanting to gag...sweet, of me isn't it? Anyway, some of my experiences away caused me to take a painful look at myself. On the plane home, I did some heavy soul searching and reflection. This reflection process continued the first couple days I arrived back into Sydney. And it all came to a boiling point after sitting under an amazing, yet convicting, message on a Sunday eve. And what I discovered wasn't pretty. Most of us are familiar with the story of the prodigal son. And I've never identified myself with either one of the brothers. I mean, I've had moments of rebellion, but they never lasted long due to my perfectionism. And I've always seen, or wanted to see, myself as a loving, compassionate, and full of grace; so I never saw myself as the elder brother. Pssh...I was in denial. As I sat squirming in my seat during the message, I fell under conviction. I am the elder brother. I not only demand perfection out of myself, but I demand it of others, and when they don't live up to it, I'm either disappointed or feel I'm better (its harsh, but I'm trying to be honest). When I see or hear of fellow Christians "moments of weakness" or see the sin expose in them, I grow impatient and usually think "Why can't they get their act together." While I may give them some spiritual dribble about confessing, forgiveness, repenting, and grace...I'm really thinking "You shouldn't be struggling with this, I'm sure glad I don't have this sin in my life. I'm glad I have my act together." Then if anything good happens to them, I wonder "God, why would you use THEM, I mean come on...you know what they've done." My attitude shouts, "USE ME I'M BETTER!" Although I don't say it, all of my actions point to pride and arrogance. While some sin may be more visible, I'm just as guilty. If not more. I was in denial of my own sin. Until that Sunday eve, as I listened to that powerful message of a story I've heard a thousand times, when the ugliness of my perfectionism hit me in the face. I need GRACE. The very thing I was stingy in giving others, is the very thing I need MORE of in my life so it overflows in every area of my life.

All of this to say, I'm rediscovering grace. The Lord is working through me and I'm rediscovering truths that were buried underneath my "perfectionism". I've definitely been humbled. And while its painful, through the power of my Saviour, I'm seeing people different. With Love. No exceptions. No hidden expectations. Just loving people where they are. Including myself. Which I reckon, is the hardest of all. Although this process has involved a lot of heartache and more humbling than I care to admit, I wouldn't trade it for the world. And I'm so thankful that I have a Saviour that gives me the GRACE that I didn't want to extend for far less offences than I've done to Him...

Why admit all of this on a blog? Well part of being a perfectionist is pleasing those around you. Wanting others to see you as perfect. This is a step for me out of perfectionism and into the arms of grace...

~erika.